Eyes open, mind registers, heart breaks, stomach drops. It is real. It did happen. They are gone.
Tears. Nausea. Searing heartache.
Every day. No matter the minutes, hours, days that have passed. There will be moments that stop time, that break your heart all over again, that remind you that your worst nightmare is not something you get to wake up from, just endure.
Casseroles, texts, cards, calls….they do little to buffer the pain. The unimaginable heart wrenching pain of loss. The pain so unique to you and your relationship that no one can possibly understand how deeply you are hurting. How incomprehensible that your heart is beating still. How unfathomable that you can move when you are so devastatingly broken.
Inconceivably time moves on. Life moves forward. Grief your companion forevermore.
While others have the luxury of losing themselves to the nuances of day to day…
You try to reconstitute yourself and wonder how it is even possible that you are here, still, without them.
Damn the sun for rising, the birds for chirping, the days that turn into night without them here.
All that we took for granted. The monotony that we now would cherish and hold sacred.
Magical thinking becomes our full time job. If only…. I should have, could have….We do not get a redo. No matter how much time, energy, thought, prayer. No matter how we plead for just one more moment, touch, conversation….only to know deep within that it can never be.
The missing is forever. The longing, loving, wishing.
Breathe. Remember. Honor. One breath at a time. One choice at a time. One day at a time. You can and you will endure. You are here. Some days more tolerable than others. In time you will experience life in color once more. In time. Until that time, care for yourself. Nurture your soul as you would theirs as they are forever a part of you.